that voice

Do you ever get that little voice of discouragement inside your head? I do. Today I met with some people from University of North Texas about their MLIS program. My most important goal has been to get my master’s degree out of state and I’ve worked my butt off for the last two years to finish up my bachelors. After this semester I’ll have only four classes left to take- three upper division courses as well as my senior seminar.

My original plan was to take the summer off (to get married and enjoy wedded bliss for two months-lol,) take the upper division courses in the fall and the senior seminar next spring. I had thought it would be a good idea to take my senior seminar class all by itself, so that I could focus all my energy into writing my senior thesis, without having any other classes to distract me. But now….the end is so near! I’m kind of thinking that I will try to knock everything out this fall. It will mean having no life for four months, but then I’ll be finished! By December. Holy crap. I’m actually going to graduate. I mean seriously. This is a big freaking deal for me.

Anyway, the UNT reps started talking to me about how soon I could start my MLIS and I started to get excited. Not because I plan to go there but because it’s so close. I honestly don’t know where/if I’ll be able to go. It will really depend on Andy and if he can/will get a job somewhere else and make a big move. But I started getting really pumped and thinking, “Let’s start NOW!” Oh wait, I have to finish my undergrad first. But then, as I was driving home, my excitement started to wane as that little voice started to speak up.

“Yeah, right. You think you’re going out of state for school? haha. Fat chance. You know what will happen. Something that will stop you. And then you’ll get discouraged like you’re getting right now and you’ll give up on your goal. And then you’ll feel sad about it your whole life and regret and resent and regret and resent. Yep. You’re not going anywhere sister. ” *insert evil voice laugh here*

But really. That’s how I feel sometimes. That I want this so bad, that the fear of not getting it continually taunts me. What’s wrong with a distance learning program? Well, it’s not for me. I’ll just be straight up honest. I like to be in class. I like to meet my teacher’s face to face. I like to try to get my foot in the door for hands on opportunities. I like to market myself and be surrounded by other students who love what they’re learning like I do. I like my professors to see me and know who I am and think of me when opportunities come up.

I don’t know. Sometimes I can’t help but have those little thoughts creep into my head. Sometimes I just think, “Whatever, you’ll just do what everybody else does. Get married, start having kids and get stuck right where you are and that will be the end of it. Forever and ever.” I guess that makes me sound really pessimistic and I’m not really sure of what I’m trying to get at here. I’m just struggling to find that confidenceĀ  in me that I won’t have to give up on this goal. I just don’t think I would ever get over it if I had to let it go.

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3 thoughts on “that voice

  1. I think we all get that voice inside of us…especially when it comes to the big stuff in life. I have no doubt that you're totally capable of rising to this challenge, though.

  2. Yes it's definitely hard to keep believing in yourself and your dreams when it seems like the odds are stacked against you. BUT… On the bright side you have worked so hard to finish your undergrad which is awesome! You have a guy who believes in you and supports you and I can totally see him being open to making a move if it's what's best for your future together. Definitely don't give up. You work so hard and do so much and I know you have it in you! Plus do it now! When you do decide to have kids it will only make it harder. Plus you can always move back later if you decide it's where you want to be. There's always hope girl! I believe in you!!!

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