on frustrations

I’m supposed to be preparing for a final that I have to take today. I came up on campus because I thought it would help me get in the academic mode. This past month has been hard and I’m not really sure why. I feel like I have a lot going on, but I really don’t. It’s not much more than what is normally going on. I feel overwhelmed but calm at the same time. Still, I just don’t want to face anything that I need to right now. I have decisions that need to be made and I don’t feel like making them. I have projects that need to be done and I don’t feel like doing them. And then there’s the studying. I really don’t feel like doing that.

Honestly, this entire semester has been rough. It’s like my mind has just decided to check out. I can’t retain information worth crap. I stare at my notes and nothing sticks. It’s been a frustrating semester to say the least and my grades are suffering for it. Because I can’t seem to perform at my normal academic level for the past three months, I check out completely. I’ve gone through this cycle of not caring, to stressing out and trying to cram, to feeling like a total failure because I can’t pull it together. I’ve faced lack of motivation before, but this just seems like something so much worse.

And now here I am, smack dab in the middle of finals week. I have my History of Africa final today. I have to take it sometime before 7 pm tonight. I feel just a little bit angry because I was excited to take this class. Yet, because of my inability to get any of the information I’ve been learning to stick, I feel as though the class has been a waste of time. As I sit here staring at my pages of notes, names, dates, and terms, I’m angry. Because memorizing this stuff has never been hard for me. Yet, I can’t recall a single thing from this entire semester. And I keep thinking, what’s wrong with me? Am I just completely distracted by  life and the upcoming months and events that I’m doing this to myself?

I don’t know. Because even when I do sit down with a feeling of determination and excitement to read and study and comprehend, those skills just won’t come. Even reading for pleasure and learning for pleasure, the last few months has been impossible for me. So here I sit becoming more and more frustrated. Knowing, that I have to at least pull a 90 on this exam.

“I miss you.”

“I’m right here.”

“I know. But even when we’re together, we’re not together.”

That’s how it’s been. Mentally we’re each in our own little worlds, just trying to get through with stupid school. It’s very frustrating and I’m tired of it. We’re coming up on what should be the most exciting time in our lives and we can’t even enjoy the ride. That also makes me angry.

Anyway, I can’t really sit here and blog all day-even though I wish I could. I really need to focus right now. It’s just that focusing is the last thing my mind wants to do. If only it would cooperate just for today. I just have to take this test and then maybe I can breath a little…and enjoy pizza with my grandparents on Saturday. Mmmmm…..pizza. No! Think Africa, Brain! Please!


One thought on “on frustrations

  1. Oh girl I've been away from the blogs for too long. It sounds oh so frustrating but I know how you feel. I can't begin to pretend like I have the answers on how to deal with it but I know you'll make it through. I hope things worked out for you. Miss you!!!

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