in this moment

{sweet home style}

Oh man. I’ve been so grouchy and on edge lately. I know its just stress and is only temporary, but I really wish I could shake it. Stress is interesting for me. I’m not sure how it is for other people but years ago I would have mild anxiety attacks when I was really stressed out. High school was a stressful time for me and I started having dizzy spells and even blacking out regularly. I was diagnosed as an epileptic although I had never had an actual seizure.

It’s been over ten years since that time. I’ve done a lot of research on my own and talked to other doctors and I’ve now come to believe that I should have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. When things got to be too much for me to handle in that moment or in my mind, I would simply black out.

Over the years I ‘taught’ myself how to recognize my stress and manage my anxiety to stop myself from blacking out. In fact, I haven’t blacked out or had a dizzy spell since I was 23. I recognize now when my level of stress is rising and instead of reacting to it, I first push it away in order to avoid heading face first into the pavement. In the immediate moments after I push those anxious feelings away I also remove myself from the situation and do something peaceful for a few minutes. If it is thoughts that are making me feel anxious then I will force myself to recall memories, recite poetry in my head or I will pick up a book and read aloud to myself for a few minutes. Then, I try to get rid of the stress by rationalizing it away. ie. “you can totally study tomorrow morning and the test will be a breeze. No worries!” or “what does this stupid little incident really mean in the grand scheme of things? Nothing! Nothing! Forget about it.”

Most times my personal little method works. Sometimes I only manage to contain the stress, not actually get rid of it. It’s still there, not really freaking me out but just lurking and annoying me. So anyway, this is what I have been dealing with the past couple of days. These lurking, annoying, anxious feelings.

Hence, the picture of the cabin retreat. Sometimes I just need that. To get away and be alone. I’m feeling that desire right now-  I’m craving the sweet serenity that comes from a private retreat, if you know what I mean.

But don’t worry, I’ll shake this off soon enough. I always do. Just please don’t tell me that “this too shall pass.”


2 thoughts on “in this moment

  1. Ah the personal retreat sounds fabulous especially in a beautiful place like that. I'm thinking one of those huts over the water you see in pictures of rich hotels in Tahiti or something. HA HA HA. If only… Sorry you're under some stress lately. It's good that you've found ways to manage it. Take care of yourself though. I'm looking forward to seeing you again soon. HUGS!!!

  2. Anxiety is the worst. It seems like something we should be able to control, but sometimes there is just no controlling it.

    That retreat looks amazing. We do all need that from time to time. I hope you find your personal retreat really soon.

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