Lately we’ve been living life without any clear vision of where the next couple of years is going to take us. We have a basic idea of what we’d like to happen but nothing’s happening right now –and maybe nothing that we want to happen will happen. I’m really struggling with that. This feeling of grasping at straws trying to make something happen for us, trying to take the next step and not really getting anywhere is so frustrating. I want the next door to open for us now.
At one time I had this concrete plan of what I was going to do after college- get my master’s degree in library science. It was that plan that carried me through my undergrad- that pushed me to be determined and finish. But literally the week before I graduated, that vision of a plan in my head began to get holes in it, more and more holes, until it finally faded and I no longer felt so sure that it was what I was supposed to do. I felt doubt and fear. So naturally I analyzed the doubt and fear. Was I having those feelings because I was burned out of school and just needed some time off? Was I having those feelings because that was not the right plan for me? Or was I having those feelings because that was not the right plan for me at this time, but it would be in the future?
Then I thought, well maybe that’s not the right degree for me. Maybe I should get my teaching certificate and teach high school. Maybe I should do something crazy like open a garden nursery. Maybe I should put school/career decisions on hold and have a baby. Or maybe I should finally give in to those obsessive feelings of reopening my dance studio. Maybe I should reopen my studio and have a baby. Gah!! I honestly didn’t know and I began grasping for any little sign that would shove me in the right direction.
And that’s where I sit today-having a mini melt down in my mind. Unable to make any clear decisions, just waiting for something to happen to me, instead of making things happen. And the second guessing of myself gets worse and worse with each passing week. And the fear of not knowing what my next step/plan is is frustrating and scary to me. I’m not a girl who handles life without a plan too well. Spontaneity can be fun on a small level, but in big doses it freaks the bejeezus out of me.
But I know that life doesn’t put a yellow brick road in front of you so that you can follow it to the bliss and happiness at the end. Life puts you in a maze and says, “Good Luck!” So maybe I just need to keep searching and have faith that the right path with eventually present itself and that the tall hedges of the maze will clear and let me pass.
I think I could use a little luck right about now. St. Patty’s is this weekend so maybe some is coming soon.