Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

Inspired  by Jess’s post several weeks ago, I decided to follow suit. I started the post but never hit publish, just as Danielle never hit publish. The big one being that I didn’t want this post to be seen as negative. However, as a couple more of these posts trickle into my G. Reader, I decided to publish what I had. I constantly argue with myself over how ‘honest’ to be on this blog.

When I first started blogging I really put myself out there and I got hurt several times because of it. Since then, I’ve stayed mostly on the surface with my writing afraid to say what I really wanted to say. I’ve matured a lot since then and become a little braver. I am better at not worrying what people think of me and have a strong desire to connect with people who have had the same experiences as me and feel the same way that I do.

When I first started blogging, I made some very close connections with a few other bloggers and I miss that friendship and sense of community. So here goes. The things I’m afraid to tell you:

~ I’m extremely self conscious and was teased in high school for being churchy and shy. Even today I have to remind myself to look people in the eye when I speak to them.

~ I have an intense fear of something happening to someone I love when they are far away from me. When I was young, my family lived in one city while my dad was temporarily working in another, six hours away. We saw him only every couple of weeks. He was killed on the job and I have vivid memories of the hours it seemed to take to travel there after it happened. I watched how agonizing it was for my mother on that trip and felt the same pain because I was old enough to understand what was going on. I now have nightmares when Andy goes on business trips because I’m afraid something will happen to him and I won’t be able to get to him quickly enough.

~ I often suffer from blog envy and feel inadequate. I’d like to take my blog to the next level, but think that maybe I’m not meant to do that and be successful with it. Like maybe it’s just not in the cards.

~ I’m terrified of not having enough savings to sustain my family during hard times. In the past I have worked myself to death, taking on as many jobs as I can at once just to insure that I’m bringing in enough money. I am much better now and am not a workaholic anymore.

~ I am terrible at keeping in touch with people and maintaining friendships.

~ My entire life I’ve had the feeling that I will never have children. I’m not sure why I have always felt strongly that kids will never happen for me, but I still feel that way. There is no particular reason- sometimes I feel that God put that thought in my head to prepare me for it, if that makes sense. That doesn’t mean that Andy and I won’t try for children- we most definitely will! I want children. Even though I won’t be surprised if, for some reason, we can’t have children, I will still be very deeply hurt.

~ I am afraid of the embarrassment of failure and often will not do something unless I know I can rock it. If there is any doubt that I will be successful, I may not do it at all.

~ I  have imaginary conversations with people out loud. I will often ‘practice’ conversations that I know are coming before I actually have them. I will practice all the different things the other person might say and what I will respond to them. I know this stems from high school- I learned quickly not to say anything without thinking about it first- kids will jump at the chance to ‘tease’ over anything and my naivety got me in trouble a lot.

~ I have wanted to blog about my desire to get my Pilates teaching certification but haven’t done so, because if I fail and it doesn’t happen, I will have to admit it.

So there you go. A few of the honest things I’ve been wanted to talk about but haven’t out of fear of being judged. Really, I think I’m just a regular gal with many of the same insecurities and fear as a lot of other girls out there. That doesn’t make it any easier though. Sometimes being comfortable in your own skin is hard but I keep working at it. I’m a lot more mature and secure than I was ten years ago that’s for sure, but sometimes those fears creep back in.

What are you afraid of?

10 thoughts on “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

  1. We have a lot of similar fears. Like you said, everyone has fears, but since we're all so afraid to voice them it feels like we're alone. Great post. Also, is you ever want to talk blogs, you know where to find me. I'm a total blog geek!

  2. "I am terrible at keeping in touch with people and maintaining friendships." – DITTO – all caps on that one!!!And here's my big thing that I'm really scared of these days – I've never really wanted children, and now that I'm married, in my 30s, and it's looking like I can't conceive the natural way – I think it's because I said I didn't want kids for all those years. Irrational I know – but still. Thankfully the hubs has great health insurance and in vitro is just a few short months away.Probably over-sharing here sorry :-)

  3. Yep, I always get caught up in day to day life and don't make keeping in touch with people a priority. I need to be better at that. You know, in my 20s I kind of convinced myself that I didn't want children. I think I did that because I thought it would be easier to handle if I found out that I couldn't have them. But now that I'm 31 and married to a great guy, I really do want kids. If we find out that we can't have kids naturally then I think I'll be trying in vitro as well. I'm probably over reacting though. It's not like we've been trying for all that long and for all I know, it could be just around the corner! Now, maybe I'm over-sharing, haha.

  4. Everything you said seems "normal". Everyone has insecurities. Try not to beat yourself up about ANY of them. You just have to learn to be you and that's all that matters. I am horrible at keeping in touch with family and friends,….now that I moved half way across the country it's even worse. (They are all guilty of it also,…my phone never rings! It works 2 ways!!) You should totally do the Pilates thing and if you fail, then it wasn't meant to be. I always tell myself that everything happens for a reason. It truly really does. Things that feel like the end of the world are just meant to mold us into the person we are supposed to be. We learn and grow everyday!! :) You are awesome and that's all that matters. Just go with the flown and follow your dreams and your heart. (I hate failure also. I tend to put things off. I have gotten better though.)

  5. I have the fear of something happening to my family when they are far away from me too. How awful to have lost your dad that way. This was a great post, sometimes its good to put your self out there. I try to tell myself that a lot :)

  6. I think a lot of your fears are similar to mine, and other peoples! Things like not mentioning something or trying something until you know you can rock it. Normal. I think the idea of setting yourself up for not having kids is similar — you want to prepare yourself in advance for failure. I think my biggest fear is failure, in whatever form it may take, but it's often very similar to yours!

  7. I did the same thing in my 20's and, by 31, really felt I was never going to have children or marry. However, by St Patty's Day in my 31st year, the unexpected 'accident' happened with a friend. I cried and cried because I failed at my prediction and was not ready at all to be a mom. The friend, on the other hand, was estatic at learning he was to be a father. I had my son on Christmas (age 32), married his father a couple of years later when I ready, and added a brother a few years later. It all worked out and will either way.I do have to say that from your list the distance one speaks to me. Only, in my scenario, it is me that spends 5 days a week living away from my family (long story and involves jobs, of course). I fear something will happen to one of them and I will have to drive the four hours home thinking and thinking and thinking…Definitely ranks up as one my major fears. And, after reading this, I wonder if I am instilling anxiety and fear in my boys. I really hope not (I do go home every single weekend).This was a really brave post, and, yes, you are in the company of many with similar fears and insecurities!

  8. Thanks for your reply! I'm hoping that I'll be pleasantly surprised on the children thing. I guess we can never predict what the future will bring- I just try to believe that everything happens for a reason and when it's supposed to.

  9. You're right. I never equated my fear of failure to the thoughts about not being to have children but it makes sense. I think not being able to have kids would feel like a huge failure to me.

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