Inspired by Jess’s post several weeks ago, I decided to follow suit. I started the post but never hit publish, just as Danielle never hit publish. The big one being that I didn’t want this post to be seen as negative. However, as a couple more of these posts trickle into my G. Reader, I decided to publish what I had. I constantly argue with myself over how ‘honest’ to be on this blog.
When I first started blogging I really put myself out there and I got hurt several times because of it. Since then, I’ve stayed mostly on the surface with my writing afraid to say what I really wanted to say. I’ve matured a lot since then and become a little braver. I am better at not worrying what people think of me and have a strong desire to connect with people who have had the same experiences as me and feel the same way that I do.
When I first started blogging, I made some very close connections with a few other bloggers and I miss that friendship and sense of community. So here goes. The things I’m afraid to tell you:
~ I’m extremely self conscious and was teased in high school for being churchy and shy. Even today I have to remind myself to look people in the eye when I speak to them.
~ I have an intense fear of something happening to someone I love when they are far away from me. When I was young, my family lived in one city while my dad was temporarily working in another, six hours away. We saw him only every couple of weeks. He was killed on the job and I have vivid memories of the hours it seemed to take to travel there after it happened. I watched how agonizing it was for my mother on that trip and felt the same pain because I was old enough to understand what was going on. I now have nightmares when Andy goes on business trips because I’m afraid something will happen to him and I won’t be able to get to him quickly enough.
~ I often suffer from blog envy and feel inadequate. I’d like to take my blog to the next level, but think that maybe I’m not meant to do that and be successful with it. Like maybe it’s just not in the cards.
~ I’m terrified of not having enough savings to sustain my family during hard times. In the past I have worked myself to death, taking on as many jobs as I can at once just to insure that I’m bringing in enough money. I am much better now and am not a workaholic anymore.
~ I am terrible at keeping in touch with people and maintaining friendships.
~ My entire life I’ve had the feeling that I will never have children. I’m not sure why I have always felt strongly that kids will never happen for me, but I still feel that way. There is no particular reason- sometimes I feel that God put that thought in my head to prepare me for it, if that makes sense. That doesn’t mean that Andy and I won’t try for children- we most definitely will! I want children. Even though I won’t be surprised if, for some reason, we can’t have children, I will still be very deeply hurt.
~ I am afraid of the embarrassment of failure and often will not do something unless I know I can rock it. If there is any doubt that I will be successful, I may not do it at all.
~ I have imaginary conversations with people out loud. I will often ‘practice’ conversations that I know are coming before I actually have them. I will practice all the different things the other person might say and what I will respond to them. I know this stems from high school- I learned quickly not to say anything without thinking about it first- kids will jump at the chance to ‘tease’ over anything and my naivety got me in trouble a lot.
~ I have wanted to blog about my desire to get my Pilates teaching certification but haven’t done so, because if I fail and it doesn’t happen, I will have to admit it.
So there you go. A few of the honest things I’ve been wanted to talk about but haven’t out of fear of being judged. Really, I think I’m just a regular gal with many of the same insecurities and fear as a lot of other girls out there. That doesn’t make it any easier though. Sometimes being comfortable in your own skin is hard but I keep working at it. I’m a lot more mature and secure than I was ten years ago that’s for sure, but sometimes those fears creep back in.