Lately…

lately
reading   you can see what I’m reading on Bookmark To Blog, but currently reading a couple of ebooks from authors.

worried about  my back pain returning.

missing   being a student, sitting in classes and absorbing everything the teacher is presenting. Studying on my own, reading, discovering new things. my grandpa and my grandma as the holidays approach.

creating  scrapbook pages to go along with the Becky Higgins Big Picture class I’m taking.

hating the job search process- filling out applications, writing a million cover letters, and then waiting.

wondering   whether or not I should stop blogging for good. is it more work and obligation than it’s worth? should I go back to scrapbooking as a way to record memories and give this whole blogging thing up?

thankful for  so many things. our families, our home, our pets, my husband, our life together.

listening to   a lot of Imagine Dragons, Ellie Goulding, and Foster the People right now.

watching  The Walking Dead- we’ve been hooked since season 1- as well as other totally awesome fall tv.

loving  that Andy is totally supportive of my decision to apply for grad school and attempt to get in for next semester.

discovering  that i’m finally ready to jump into grad school and i’m super excited about it.

excited about  a lunch date with awesome friends tomorrow.

wishing  that i was old enough to just let the gray take over my hair.

searching for  new non-fiction books to read- broadening my horizons.

craving sushi, always craving sushi. yum. oh, and peanut butter anything.

enjoying  cozy evenings, my new baked-goods-on-Sunday habit, time to just ‘be’.

waiting for  the rain to start falling as I watch the sky fill with more and more gray clouds.

~YOUR TURN~ 
 

Permission Granted: It’s Okay to Want Less

*something I wrote a while ago when I was trying to sort out my thoughts…

I’d worked my way up in the library. I’d worked my way up in the university.  I thought, “Why shouldn’t I be grateful to move to salary. A contract position! So glamorous. Somebody actually thought I was good at what I did and that I deserved to be rewarded by that. Man, I should jump at that- just because it’s there!

But the truth is, I was happy to punch the clock and put in my measly 25 hours a week. I was happy to do my work (and do it well) and then go home and not worry about it. I was happy not to have to be the person to make decisions or come up with new ideas or plan events. But I felt guilty and lazy about that. I started thinking what a terrible person I was and what a lazy person I was, not to desire to do more at my job. I knew I could plan a killer new project-I just didn’t want to.

Don’t get me wrong- I love the library. I love what goes on there. I love the programs implemented by the library. I love supporting the library. I just didn’t want to plan those programs or be in charge of anything. At least, not now. I could see myself getting amped up about that kind of work in the future– but not right now. I can’t explain it, but I just felt like I didn’t want a job that required too much brain power at this time.

Being the creative-new idea-event and display implementing person was a lot of pressure. I don’t want pressure right now. I want easy and relaxing. I know what pressure like that does to an otherwise enjoyable job: It sucks all the happiness and joy out of it. It makes it stressful.

So there I was with a shiny new salary position and an important title and I just wanted to give it all back. I felt ungrateful. A lot of people would kill for the opportunities that I had. But I’m not interested in climbing the ladder right now. I want to be a mom. I want to do volunteer work. I want to craft and sell my crafts. I want to practice Pilates and get my Pilates certification. I want to finally choose a grad school program and get started on it. Minus the grad school part, I feel guilty about wanting all that. It seems that in this day and age I should want to be a career woman. Don’t get me wrong, I do want to further my career. But right now I want other things more.

At one point my boss had to get surgery and would be out two months. We talked about what this meant for me. Being ‘next in line’ I would essentially have to be her for two months. As I sat there in the chair listening to her chatter off all the meetings I would need to attend in her absence, I could literally feel the dread creeping up from my stomach to my throat. But I nodded, smiled, and said, ‘No problem, I got this.’ And I did have it. I could do it. I just didn’t want to. I didn’t want the anxiety that came with all that. The anxiety that comes with anything that you subconsciously realize you don’t want, but are too afraid to admit it.

I didn’t want to be important or in charge. I’d been important and in charge for a lot of years as the owner of my own dance studio and head coach of a high school drill team, and I stepped away from it in an effort to cut the stress. Now I found myself back in that position. But I just wanted to be little old me, sitting in my corner, working on my little projects, and never being called on to step up. Honestly I beat myself up about this for months. I felt so guilty for not wanting to do it all. It’s not that I was a half-ass employee. I did my tasks to the fullest- I just didn’t want to be the all important go-to person.

I started looking back at the hourlies who seemed so stress free. They did their work, they went home, and forgot about it until the next day. I did more work (which never seemed to be enough) and then went home and obsessively checked my work email all night long, just to make sure that I was prepared for whatever would hit me the next morning. I busted my ass to get to work before anyone else and stayed after everyone left. I ate my lunch at my desk, while I kept working. I didn’t stop working while my coworkers talked about Once Upon A Time and Dancing with the Stars. I listened and interjected my thoughts- but I kept typing all the while. I wanted to keep up appearances. I felt obligated to do all this.

I convinced myself to stick with the new salary position and new responsibilities, even though I knew I was unhappy. Afterall- I was damn good at my job. I should want more opportunity to show what I could really do, right? But I never wanted to be a slave to my job, and that’s exactly what I was. I was at my boss’s beck and call. I came running any time she instant messaged me and summoned me to her office. I did everything she asked and more, even though it left me stressed, exhausted, and in a bad mood by the time I went home each night. I didn’t want my life to revolve around my job (and I still don’t.) I wanted want to put in my hours and then go home and enjoy my life with my husband. 

It thought that if I went in to my boss and was just honest with her and told her that I wasn’t happy in the new position, then she would look down on me and be disappointed in me. That she would tell everyone else that I just couldn’t handle it. Then I realized, just because I can handle something and I am good at something, doesn’t mean I have to do it or should want to do it. It’s okay to want less responsibility at times in your life.

It’s okay to want simplicity and peace.

It’s okay to want your life to revolve around your family, rather than your job.

It’s okay to want your job to be a small speck in a large life fulfilled by other things, like cooking dinner with your husband, and doing Pilates in your pajamas, and pulling weeds in your garden, while listening to audio books on your ipod.

It’s okay. I need and still need to convince myself that it’s okay to want and do less.

30 Days Hath November: Day 05

Day 05: Three years ago today

To be honest, I almost skipped this one. I really didn’t want to talk about three years ago today, but I hate starting something that I’m not going to do all the way. So here’s to keeping it real. Judge not, please?

Three years ago today I was the shell of a person. I was at the tail end of a divorce. Only I didn’t know at the time that it was almost over. At the time, all I knew was that the process had dragged out for over a year. I was broke and facing another bill from my lawyer who I had just sat down. I know she could see that I was past my breaking point. “Don’t worry. It will be over soon,” she promised. I left her office feeling defeated. I just wanted my life back.

The past year had been so hard. I had moved three times and had been forced to drive three hours a day to a job I hated just to try to stay afloat. I felt guilty constantly because my mother and sisters were taking care of my cat and dog for me. I couldn’t keep them where I was but I couldn’t bear to give them up. Then my dog, Ash, mysteriously injured herself and ripped a hug hole in her armpit. That injury just kept getting worse and worse. Vet visits continued for months trying to get her better. Not only was I facing lawyer bills, but now I owed the vet a crap load of money. I also owed my grandparents money who had graciously helped me get the divorce process started.

That summer my grandmother took a turn for the worse and was admitted to the hospital. She had been sick for a long time and it wasn’t looking good. I called in to work four days in a row because I wanted to be at the hospital with her, my grandpa and my mom as much as I could. I had one of those jobs that didn’t care why you were absent and I started getting verbal and written warnings that I was about to lose my job if I didn’t come to work. But I didn’t want to leave the hospital. My entire family was standing around her hospital bed late one night waiting for her to take her last breath. I think we all wanted her suffering to end, but no one was really ready to let her go.

After my grandma died, it just seemed that things would never get better. I was coaching competitive dance that year at the high school and feeling like a complete failure. I’d done so well with the team, even winning Coach of the Year, the previous January that everyone expected so much of me. I was stressed to the max. My mental and emotional state was so bad that I couldn’t focus on the team. I was depressed and found it impossible to be a positive light at early morning practices. My team could sense that things were off and it made me feel even worse. I wasn’t the coach that they knew and loved. I didn’t have the energy to organize fundraisers. I canceled practice when my depression kept me in bed in the morning.

I was normally very driven, motivated and uplifting example to those high school girls, but it was all crumbling. I decided it would be my last year coaching. I needed to get myself together. I wasn’t doing this team any good anymore. I struggled through competition season and the devastating blow of not making it to the State competition was enough to do me in. The guilt was intense. I knew I hadn’t pushed and encouraged these girls like I should have. I’d been too wrapped up in my own problems and I felt responsible for their failure to make it to State.

Needless to say, three years ago today was a bad time. Very bad. There was one little spot of awesomeness in my life, but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to notice it. I had met Andy and we had started dating off and on. I had dated a little bit before meeting him at the encouragement of my friends who were desperate to pull me out of my slump. But no one had stood out like Andy did. His awesomeness and the fact that I had fallen for him was just confusing to me. I couldn’t focus on him when my life was a shambles.

So basically I was at the bottom of the bottom. But isn’t that always were you end up before you get up again? Miraculously a month later, things started to turn around. I got a call one day out of the blue, “He signed. It’s over!” I pulled my car over to the shoulder of the freeway and sat there crying for a good forty five minutes. Everything that I had held in for over a year came out in the form of huge gasping sobs. I felt the clouds begin to part.

Although everyone was sad at the absence of my grandma, we ended up having a good Christmas that year. My debt was taken care of when the settlement went through. I started making plans to get a place that would allow me to have Ash and Mauney with me. Ash was her old self again and the scar was barely noticeable. I enrolled in college and got excited about graduating! I went to counseling sessions and yoga and pilates. I joined the environment club and signed up for volunteer activities. I started to get my shit together.

And the biggest miracle was that Andy was still there through it all. I stopped doubting how much I loved him and stopped being so self centered. I stopped questioning my relationship with him and realized that it didn’t matter if the timing seemed to be weird. My determination to go it alone and stay single forever faded and I started to think that there was a possibility that I wouldn’t be afraid to get married again someday. I was willing to give our relationship a chance and see where it went.

Anyway, all that feels like it happened ten years ago. It’s surprising that it was only three years ago and that it all happened in that one year. It’s incredible how quickly and drastically your life can change for the worse or the better. That year taught me a lot about myself and even though I’m glad for those lessons, I really never want to have another year like that again.

xoxo-Kimberly

30 Days Hath November via So Fawned

The list:
Day 01: A self-portrait.
Day 02: Three inspirational quotes.
Day 03: Something I never leave the house without.
Day 04: A friend I adore.
Day 05: Three years ago today.

Day 06: A book I’m reading.
Day 07: A song for the day.
Day 08: The last item I purchased.
Day 09: A close-up of my day.
Day 10: What I love about my job.
Day 11: Something I’ve been craving.
Day 12: Three blogs I can’t get enough of.
Day 13: Something I’m proud of.
Day 14: A favorite movie.
Day 15: Some style inspiration for the season.
Day 16: Someone who inspires me.
Day 17: My family.
Day 18: What I wore today.
Day 19: A silly self-portrait.
Day 20: A childhood anecdote.
Day 21: Something I could never tire of.
Day 22: Some place I’ve traveled.
Day 23: Eight things you didn’t know about me.
Day 24: Something that means a lot to me.
Day 25: The contents of my purse.
Day 26: Something I’m looking forward to.
Day 27: Myself, one year ago.
Day 28: A skill I’d like to learn.
Day 29: Some place I’d like to visit.
Day 30: Three wonderful things that happened this month

30 Days Hath November: Day 01

Well, I’m a little late but I think I’ll jump on board with this little challenge. I originally saw it at educated…not so domesticated but it comes from So Fawned (which is where you can link up and get the button if you’re so inclined.) Here we go:

Day 01: A self portrait
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After dinner my pj’s go on and my hair gets thrown into a pony tail if it’s not already in one. My most favorite thing to do in the evening is to prop myself up in bed with my laptop, a book, my journal, some magazines, a crossword puzzle, my Ipod or all of the above and just chill until I’m tired enough to fall asleep. That’s what I was doing when I took this self portrait. I’ve got an early start tomorrow so I’ll probably turn on my audio book soon and let myself fall asleep to it.

xoxo-Kimberly

Here’s the list for the whole month:

Day 01: A self-portrait.
Day 02: Three inspirational quotes.
Day 03: Something I never leave the house without.
Day 04: A friend I adore.
Day 05: Three years ago today.
Day 06: A book I’m reading.
Day 07: A song for the day.
Day 08: The last item I purchased.
Day 09: A close-up of my day.
Day 10: What I love about my job.
Day 11: Something I’ve been craving.
Day 12: Three blogs I can’t get enough of.
Day 13: Something I’m proud of.
Day 14: A favorite movie.
Day 15: Some style inspiration for the season.
Day 16: Someone who inspires me.
Day 17: My family.
Day 18: What I wore today.
Day 19: A silly self-portrait.
Day 20: A childhood anecdote.
Day 21: Something I could never tire of.
Day 22: Some place I’ve traveled.
Day 23: Eight things you didn’t know about me.
Day 24: Something that means a lot to me.
Day 25: The contents of my purse.
Day 26: Something I’m looking forward to.
Day 27: Myself, one year ago.
Day 28: A skill I’d like to learn.
Day 29: Some place I’d like to visit.
Day 30: Three wonderful things that happened this month.

just like oops

RED- As in the color of my cheeks this morning when I walked into class fifteen minutes late. Why was I late? Because I actually forgot that I had that particular class at that particular time. When I finally realized that I was supposed to be there, I was already clear across campus and had to turn around and go back. Not my finest moment.

What can I say? I’m still getting used to this new schedule and I have about a million things on my mind. Like the four terms papers I already know I have to write and the 29 books I have to read for one of my classes. Yikes! (Each book is only around 200 pages, but still- that’s a lot of reading for one class!)

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1. via mooreaseal
2. via this is glamorous
3. via anthropologie
4. via dottie angel

Anywho, I’m back on track now and in the right place, so hopefully I can keep it together from here on out. Sigh!

xoxo-Kimberly

Goings on

My thoughts have been with my BFF, Heather, this week. I wish I could be there with her. Worrying about her and lots of other things have made this a rather sad week. So, I’ve really been looking forward to a chill weekend and some more good news from her and Joe about baby Russell.

Andy is up to his eyeballs in homework which all has to be in by Monday. And me? For once I have absolutely nothing that I have to do. This is the problem with Andy and I having semester schedules that overlap each other. Mine ended two weeks ago and just as I’m starting fall classes, he’ll be finishing up summer classes and taking a much needed break. We never get to break at the same time. So today while Andy is doing homework, I’ll be bored. Oh sure, there are a lot of things I could do- clean the house, mow the lawn, do the laundry- but who wants to do those things? Oh well, someday there will be summers without homework.

We at least got to enjoy breakfast together on the deck this morning.

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And last night I made lasagna and Andy took a break from homework to watch a movie with me which was super awesome.

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Henry has been quite the show off lately.

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And Mauney helped me organize my shoes the other day.

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Yeah, I know. It’s insane.

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Anyone need some shoes? Because I have plenty to spare. I’m serious. Have some.

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That’s about it for now. Next weekend I’m going to my mom’s for a cooking extravaganza. I asked her to help me do some freezer meals for the month of September. I’m anticipating not even having time to breath- let alone cook dinner, so hopefully this will help. I’m actually excited though. I’ll be taking History of Russia, Children’s Literature, Public History, History of Modern Art, History of the Middle Ages, and History of Art & Architecture of China. It’s going to be sweet and sucky all at the same time.

I think it’s time I go enjoy the last bit of summer vacation I have.

xoxo-Kimberly

Raspberries and dutch ovens

Starting the day off right with a cinnamon crumb donut. A fun filled Friday at Bear Lake for Raspberry Days with mom, Jen and Nellie. Lunch at Cafe Sabor.

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An evening spent in beautiful Liberty at Uncle Dave’s. Family, 5th annual dutch oven cookoff, feasting. 3rd place- Dave’s cheesy potatoes, 2nd place-Mom’s shepherds pie, 1st place- Cierra’s raspberry cobbler.

Lots of Nellie giggling, snuggling and smooching for everyone. Fishy faces, clapping Yay! and blowing kisses.

Coming home to slip into pajamas and lounge.

Perfect.

surprises from Saturday

Last Saturday Andy and I drove to Wyoming to see my sister’s new house and celebrate my niece’s birthday. Earlier in the day, we went for some pre-wedding pampering. We got a couples massage and then went to MacCool’s for brunch. The couples massage was so awesome that we may just make it an anniversary tradition.

Anyway, I thought I’d share some pics of Nellie’s party:

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She’s wearing the birthday onesie that Jen made her

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Nellie’s haul. She cleaned house in the gift department.

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The stuffed monkey that Andy & I gave her. She kept hugging it, smooshing it to her face, and saying “Muah! Muah!” everytime she kissed it. So cute.

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The little chair was a sentimental gift from my mom. It folds down into a step stool and we had one when we were little girls. My grandpa made it for her. She loved it and didn’t want to stop sitting in it.

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This onesie, that Jen made,was the last present that Nellie opened and it sure was a surprise to all of us! Yep- Jen announced that Nellie is going to be a big sister this February!!

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And one last picture of Nellie, just because she’s so cute.

It was such a fun day and I’m glad we were able to make the trip out there. Now we’re getting ready to get married on Saturday!! Seriously…I can’t wait.

xoxo-Kimberly

Busy and fun weekend

The month of June is shaping up to be seriously busy. It’s been really fun though and I can’t wait for it all to culminate with the wedding. I’m beginning to feel very excited. I feel all jittery (in a good way) when I think about it. Anyway, this weekend was another one filled with family events and fun outings together.

On Friday we went up to Logan so that Andy and his dad could work some more on the arbor that they built for the wedding. It’s turned out so well. We spent the evening finishing up our puzzle and watching a movie.

Saturday morning was the first day of the Farmer’s Market in Salt Lake. We didn’t want to miss a chance to stop at the Volker’s booth. This time we came home with asiago basil bread and tomatillo cilantro dip. So yummy!

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We brought Ashland along for the first time. Despite getting really excited about all the other dogs in attendance, she did pretty well.

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We stopped for breakfast at Bruges Waffles & Frites. If you’ve never been there, you are seriously missing out. Oh my gosh…delicious. You must go there and try the machine gun sandwich. It’s lamb sausage in a baguette topped with andalouse sauce. This time we opted for their Waffle Monster. It’s two cinnamon or vanilla waffles with strawberries, vanilla bean icecream and speculoos spread in the middle. Melt in your mouth amazing.

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Ashland had a great time- as did we! She was so tired that she totally passed out with her face in the arm rest. Doesn’t look comfortable to me but she was snoozing away!

That afternoon we met my family at Maddox for lunch to celebrate my grandma’s 80th birthday! Isn’t she pretty? I hope I look that fantastic when I’m 80.

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Isn’t her cake awesome?

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It was fun to see everyone and we had such a great time.

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Lastly, some pics of the goings on in the flower department around our place.

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Andy brought this hosta home for me today as a surprise!!

So far, I’m lovin this summer.

xoxo-Kimberly

She is the type of girl who…

~ Doesn’t ho hum over decisions.

~ Likes peanut butter and chocolate together, but doesn’t much care for chocolate or peanut butter on their own.

~ Prefers to know in advance when company is coming.

~ Gets really anxious if plans aren’t made ahead or she doesn’t know what’s going on.

~ Loves to sleep, but often suffers from insomnia.

~ Gets bored easily.

~ Likes to be alone, but hates to be by herself.

~ Is mortally terrified of not being financially prepared for life’s hiccups.

~ Wishes she had more freedom to do the things that interest her.

~ Loves green but prefers to wear gray, black, or brown.

~ Likes to be told that she looks beautiful, even when she knows she looks hideous.

~ Is scared she’ll be a bad mother and her children will hate her, but love their father.

~ Is career minded and extremely driven, but doesn’t want to be a career mom.

~ Wants things organized and hates keeping things that aren’t getting any use.

~ Is very sentimental and doesn’t understand when other people could care less.

~ Gets really irritated by little noises like tapping toes or clicking pens.

~ Loves flowers and wishes she had a fresh bouquet for the kitchen table every day.

~ Thrives off of the sun and needs it to feel happy.

~ Is ready to be done with school, but always wants to be learning something new.

~ Doesn’t talk unless she has something important or meaningful to say.

~ Cringes every day she has to go to work without getting to make the bed.

~ Likes to mow the lawn….in moderation.

~ Doesn’t like feeling dependent on anyone.

~ Wishes she liked water more and DP less.

~ Wants to be understood.

~ Talks out loud to herself while driving in the car.

~ Wishes she could wear tank tops to work.

~ Thinks about the future almost every second of the day.

~ Is jealous of girls who have ‘booties’ and whose jeans always fit just right.